Referral Number 2

This event occured on March 30th.
After declining referral number 1, signing the formal papers, we had the afternoon to do what we wanted. Our translator, Natasha #1, took us to some shops to buy souvenirs and told us some history of the buildings we passed.  It was very interesting to me to hear about an area that used to be German heritage, then after World War II became Russian heritage, to hear all that the people went through during those times and to hear about what was destroyed during the war and rebuilt.  It just brought home how incredibly fortunate we are in the USA and how we shouldn't take our country for granted.

We saw a shop that had an incredible amount of items made out of amber.  Amber is a natural resource and the largest mining of it is in the Kaliningrad region. We thought the prices were very reasonable and Beth bought a few things for her family. I bought a set of nesting dolls that had Grandfather Frost on them as well as a Grandfather Frost Christmas ornament.  In my past travels, I started a collection of Christmas ornaments, one from every country I visit.  I was lucky enough that Beth spotted the ornament and it was only $6!  Grandfather Frost is a Russian traditional figure during their Christmas season.  He acts like a Santa Claus, distributing presents, and has a granddaughter that assist him. I will be getting a book on him to instill this tradition in my child, it appears to be a wonderful story.

The next day, March 31st, we go back to the Dept of Education to see the information on the second referrral they found for me to see.  We got the basic background and medical information, again it seemed acceptable, and I agreed to go visit the second little girl.  Ironically, I remember seeing this girl when we were at the orphanage the day before. This girl was 32 mo. old, her birthmother drank alcohol while pregnant, but they told me that the child's therapy was progressing quickly and there were no effects from the drinking.  I was hesitant but off we went to the same orphanage to see this other little girl. We again met with the Director and Doctor who told us that she was a little behind developmentally but was progressing quickly in her therapy, she was their "little angel", had a sweet disposition.  I asked more questions about her medicals but they kept insisting that I should see her first and could then ask more questions later. That rang a warning bell in my mind.

She came into the room and after about 5 minutes, was interacting with me wonderfully. I was so excited because this was the exact opposite of what happened with the first little girl.  We played while I got her to do all the activities/motions that were on the developmental milestones list the US doctor emailed to me that morning. My excitement grew! She was smiling at me, let me hold her and at one point when we were kicking a ball back and forth, she kicked the ball, followed it running toward me and jumped into my arms. Yes I melted and thought, "this is the child I am meant to have." As we left, the Director and Doctor were gone for the day so I could not ask any more questions, but I was flying high with happiness it did not matter.

The next day we returned to the orphanage with the independent doctor I had hired from Moscow.  This is something that most everyone does and in retrospect, I now tell people it's something you absolutely MUST do, is to hire a doctor not associated with the orphanage to do a medical evaluation of the child.  "My doctor" spoke with the orphanage doctor for a bit, in Russian, then asked for the little girl to be brought in. Beth and I were both looking at the doctor when she was brought in and the second she saw the girl, we knew by the look on her face that something was wrong.  She looked at the girl for no more than one minute, turned to me and told me that she has severe classic fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS) and that I did not want this child. I was crushed, especially after having such a good experience with her the day before.  I at that moment I felt a light go out in me, I had lost hope right then.  My doctor then questioned the orphanage doctor and caregiver for a while and then we left.  I asked my doctor what was said and she told me that the doctor did not disclose the child had FAS and just kept pointing out her good qualities. My doctor told the orphanage doctor that it is her obligation to be objective and tell prospective parents everything about the child. She was not happy and told me that unfortunately this was common.  I asked what situations would I be up against with a child who has FAS.  She told me: behavorial outbursts that will not recede; cognitive and learning difficulties; continual physical and speech therapy; more than likely the child will not be able to live independently as an adult.  As a single parent with the finances and resources I have, I could not accept this child either and the tears flowed again.

My doctor called Natasha #2 to tell her that I could not accept this child.  Back at the hotel, the doctor reviewed the medical conditions again, trying to comfort me in saying that it would be a difficult life for both of us and provided words of comfort and sympathy for my situation.  Natasha #2 contacted the Dept of Education to see if any other children were available to see, but the only other child had even more medical issues than the first two I had already seen. So my journey for now was over.  It was more emotional, frustrating and discouraging than I thought it would be, but as the people on the adoption message boards are constantly saying, "adoption is not for the faint of heart."
~Amy