Precious Ducklings

This event occured on March 29th, 2010 during my first visit to the orphanage.
In telling my adoption story to someone today (May 25th) it reminded me of an event that I still think about often and is the reason for the change in my role in adoption.

As I struggled to connect with the little 22 mo. girl (my first referral), the orphanage workers decided to take us to the playroom to show me how she interacts with the other children.  They thought this might calm her down and I could observe her social skills with the other children.  We followed them through the large entry room through the children's bedroom area.  The drapes were drawn, with a little streak of light slipping through the thin material onto four rows of tiny cribs, lined up end to end, three cribs long. It was surreal, seeing those cribs like that, something I had imagined come to life.  They were precious yet looked forlorn at the same time. We passed through a small half kitchen area and walked up to a half height door, the kind where the door is split in half, the bottom closed acting like a gate while the top was swung open.  As we walked up to this "gate" we could see about a dozen children there, ranging from around 18 mo. to 36 mo. old.

The minute they saw Beth and I, they all swarmed toward the gate, their cherub faces uplifted, eyes full of question and longing, covering the sadness.  The sharp intake of breath at the emotion this scene caused, is still with me today, two months later.  They were smiling, some babbling in Russian, telling us things we couldn't understand, all seemed to be vying to gain our undivided attention.  My eyes roamed over them, taking in every detail, fighting the urge to gather them all up into my arms at that very moment.  Oddly, I felt a bit of guilt for watching them, instead of my little referral girl, like I was betraying her somehow.  The constantly shifting path your emotions are forced on during this process amazed me and still does.

My little girl would not leave the caregivers arms and just watched us from a distance.  I was also concerned if I gave a child too much attention, looked at one too long, smiled at one too long, that is might confuse them and I didn't want them to think I was there for them when I wasn't.....but truly wanted to be.  Each child was beautiful in their own way, some showing physical challenges they will face the rest of their lives, as well as carrying whatever emotional challenges as well.  Their lives are just beginning, already struggling, but demonstrating hope for a better future filled with security, acceptance and love.  They are like the left sided angel; marred, incomplete but graceful and reaching toward God.

We waved as we left, telling them "goodbye" in Russian (one of the few Russian words I know), smiling and moving slowly as we didn't want to leave them.  They were pressed against the gate, faces upturned like little ducklings, telling us goodbye in those sweet soft child voices.  We took a few steps and the translator called out to us to stop and look back.  That was my undoing.  Several children were on their tiptoes, their little round chins just barely sitting on the top of the gate and with their chubby little hands, were blowing us kisses goodbye.  Our hearts broke and even though it was two months ago, tears are running down my cheeks as I type this, remembering.  I had to fight the strong urge to run back to the gate and gather them up in my arms for the biggest hug I could offer, but the orphange worker urged us to move on.  Beth and I both had tears in our eyes as we left those angels behind.  This moment changed my life.  I started out wanting one thing, a child of my own. But after my experience that day, I am working on ways to become involved in the adoption community. I am formulating a plan to start a business that will raise funds to: provide orphanages with supplies, food, clothing and developmental toys; organize mission types of trips to the orphanages; create financial aid tools for pre-adoptive parents; facilitate tools to educate the public, schools and families on the adoption process and challenges people face.  I want to be involved and do what I can to make a positive difference in the lives of the children in the orphanages that have yet to find their forever families.
I pray to God every day for the money to come in whatever manner to allow me to complete my adoption and start my company that I feel so compelled to do.  I pray I have the tools, intelligence, energy, support and that the finances will come to help make the angels whole again.
~Amy