Tonight it hit me square in the heart, the concept and hopes I had for my blog have not come true, by my own hand. I came to this stark realization after reading a compilation of blogs, over a ten month period, from an incredible woman on her own path to having a family. My eyes are still wet with tears from relating to some of the situations and feelings she described with such honesty, compassion and humor. There are some things I can closely relate to, not that she or anyone else would know, because I've kept it to myself, as I usually do. I knew her at first as an aquanitance, so to speak, now consider her a friend, and hope to become closer friends in the future.
I can be too focused at times and realize at the end of a day that I've barely spoken to anyone in person, on the phone or even sent a personal email. I get so focused on getting what I need to get done that day, because I'm always interrupted numerous times, and I want to make sure I stay on schedule. For years a large part of me was defined by knowing that people thought of me as dependable, responsible and the person who can get the job done. A pressure I have placed on my own shoulders, and fed by the sporadic compliments of, "I can always count on you, you never let me down," "you're such a great leader and example for others," blah, blah, blah. This is not to brag, simply for you to understand that those comments and support, whether genuine or self motivating on their part, drive me to do better each day. The reason behind my need is another story, that being the private person that I can be, may never be revealed to "this public". So where I may appear distant to some, it isn't intentional, my mind is just busy, busy, busy going from one thing to the next and forgetting to experience the precious breath's of life's moments.
This woman's blogs brought it all home for me tonight. The essence of her blog, though not about adoption, is what I dreamed my blog would be like, an open and honest journal of my adoption journey, complete with all the emotions and hopefully a little bit of humor. But I failed. I failed myself and more importantly, I feel like I failed my son. I planned to give him these blog entries one day, for him to understand and feel the enormity of what it meant for me to finally find him and know the depth of my love for him. But in order for him to really know and understand this, I have to write those feelings down, which I didn't do, not really, because it exposed me too much to people that I didn't want to know me in that way. I am a private person for the most part, for a several of reasons, so I thought with a blog, I could be somewhat anonymous which would allow me to fully open up without regrets. When people know the author personally, sometimes you get judgements, comments made publicly about your blog, or maybe you just don't want to mix your "circles": friend circle, aquaintance circle, work circle, family circle, etc. I messed up, I'm not "anonymous."
When I started my adoption journey, at first I didn't tell anyone because I was afraid it wouldn't really happen. Then as I started telling a few people here and there, the responses were full of support and best wishes, with a few people asking me if I was going to blog about it. Now at this time I had never read one single blog, let alone know how to go about creating one, and then there's the daunting task of what to write about and how often. Then heaven forbid, was anything I had to write about interesting enough for someone to read. Hello dummy, a blog is for you, not them. This realization dawning on me late in the game.
So I was excited to start! I created my blog, wrote as often as I could, trying to make it interesting and humorous so people would want to continue reading it, and of course I told alot of people about it. The latter is my biggest regret now. Now don't think, if you're reading my blog right now, this means that I don't want YOU to be reading it, it's just that I've mixed my circles and wished I hadn't. I wrote for you and not for me. I had no idea going through an adoption and raising a child by yourself would be as wonderful, heartbreaking, challenging and dream fulfilling as it has been with my gift from God, my son. I cannot tell you how many times I have written my blog, only to erase it, because it bared too much of my soul and I didn't want to be that exposed, and yes I feared being judged. I intended for my blog to be like my friend's is; open, exposed, truly expressing what she's feeling and thinking. My is edited. Edited so I don't reveal too much about someone else or how I feel about them; edited so I don't hurt someone's feelings; edited so it's not held against me or misconstrued by co-workers; and let's be honest here, edited so people don't think less of me for what I feel or think that day. I wanted and needed this blog to be more personal than I've made it and I do regret the time I've wasted.
So looking forward I have some decisions to make. Do I start making this blog more open and personal with my feelings as well as the "facts" about my son and our life, or do I end this chapter, titling it "Left Sided Angel" and begin another chapter under a different name. A decision to sleep on.
No matter what I chose to do, I want to truly thank the special woman for letting me into her life and blog, and making me realize I need to step outside myself throughout the day and interact more with the people in my life; pick up the phone, send an email or make plans to see each other.
Everyone has a gift to share, they all come in different forms and sometimes when you least expect it. Thank you!
Oh, Christian's second soccer class went good and we've had an eventful weekend that I'll tell you about tomorrow. Goodnight.
~Amy
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