Feelings While Waiting

So during the wait, so many thoughts and feelings were swirling in my head.  I was so excited that it all moved so quickly and my dream of becoming a mother was so close.  But then I would flip to, "am I ready for this?"  I had the recommended books on my coffee table and had only read one, Parenting the Adopted Child. It was wonderful and a great resource and I was excited to start the next book, Attachement in Adoption, to glean all of it's knowledge....I got to chapter four before I traveled.
 
My brother-in-law gave me the Russian Rosetta Stone language package and I had used it three times.  Let me just say that Russian is a very difficult language to learn!  They have a Cyrllic alphabet which are basically shapes and symbols that are letters to them, very difficult. So I paused on the language (thinking I had plenty of time to learn it) and focused on the books.  But time ran out.

So this is where I was very anxious about it all.  I hadn't read all the books, couldn't speak a word of Russian yet, hadn't evaluated any daycares yet and most of all, didn't have the vacation time and money saved up that I planned that I would have.  But above all, I was so very happy and nervous, I worried the little girl wouldn't like me.  Then entered the fear that I'm sure most parents have.  I pray I am a good parent and make the right decisions, am able to teach her what she needs to know, am able to be strong if she gets seriously ill, etc.  I consider myself a strong person in most aspects but am old enough to know my weaknesses.  With that I feel very blessed to have the loving and supportive family and friends that I do.  One friend in particular I have had since we were in kindergarten and we've managed to stay in touch and see each other as often as we can. 

So as I prepare to travel, I have a constant thought that keeps running around in my head, making me feel selfish and guilty, keeping me awake at night.  I want a healthy child for myself but I know there are many many children in the world that are not healthy but need and deserve a loving family. If I had the resources and constant assistance, I would take a special needs child, but in my current position I am not able to.  At times I think that is just an excuse I make but then I review my life and know that I cannot give a special needs child everything they require when someone else will be able to.  For those children I pray they find their "forever families" soon.  These special needs children remind me of the Left Sided Angel sculpture I have on my blog.  Not perfect but ready for flight and hopeful.