Gazillion Email Checks

I checked my email today a gazillion times looking for the medical test results!
I was cautious before, forcing myself to not get too excited about this little boy referral. But the longer I have to wait, the more excited I am getting.  I pray it all works out this time.  I really want the final test results by the end of this week and hope they look good.  My sister and her family are visiting from Florida this weekend, the whole family will be together, so I would love to tell everyone then. Fingers are crossed!
~ Amy

Medical Info Evaluation

I finally got the contradictory medical information verified on my little boy referral. So I sent it off right away to the IA doctor for review and hope to hear back tomorrow.  I then had to send a notarized letter to the Russian Dept. of Education Director to request an extension on the time to respond to them.  I just wish they would provide ALL the detailed medical information on the child up front.  It is so stressful anyway and then to have to continually ask for all the information over and over is just added stress.  But that's how it is so I just need to be patient and focused on the end result.

They are going to do two additional tests on the boy at the end of the month, (hello, that's like now right?) so they tell me. I would like to have those results before I make my final decision to travel or not but am not sure they will give them to me. In either case, I will know this week whether I will be traveling to see this little boy. I am excited but reserved because I am scared the same thing will happen again. I can't afford to waste money on another trip to Russia that is not successful, but more importantly, it is so emotional declining a child and I don't want to go through that again.  God willing, this is the child for me!
~Amy

Pins and Needles

I received the second set of information on my third referral, the answers to the questions I sent.  Well the information I received was contradictory with the first set of information, enough so, that we aren't sure if the answer to my questions are for the same child.  So after my international adoption doctor reviewed what information we did get that was consistent, she provided a few more questions and developmental milestones for me to ask them. So off that email went to Russia on Saturday and I am waiting for their response.  I hope I get their answer this week so I can make the decision as to whether to travel to see this child or not.
The adoption process is bumpy, emotionally exhausting but I know it will be worth it in the end!
~Amy

Third Referral

Well I received my third referral last week and have been doing alot of legwork on the medical backgrounds.  They gave me a small amount of information but said that based on my last experience with the other two referrals, I could send a list of questions. So I made my list of questions, sent it off, waited 4 days and received the answers. I promptly sent all this to my independent international adoption doctor in St. Louis for evaluation.  I spoke with her last night and funny thing, the issues that I was concerned about she wasn't because of how Russia names their medical conditions. Then the things I wasn't overly concerned about, she was. There were also some discrepancies in the information they gave me. So I made another list of questions and also a list of developmental milestones the doctor gave me, to see if they will provide the answers. So based on what they provide, I may be traveling to Russia again soon. 

I am getting frustrated with this whole process but understand this is the way it runs and I have to have patience and endurance.  I just don't want to turn down another child but I also know I cannot bring home a child that I am not equipped to raise appropriately.  I keep praying for a healthy child!
~Amy

Tennessee Child Returned

So I get home from Russia on April 3rd and the following week, April 13th, the sky fell!
I'm sure most of you heard how a woman from Tennessee, who had adopted a 7 yr. old boy, was having some issues with him and decided to return him to Russia, on a plane, by himself.  Even though I have read alot about that story, I have not spoken to the woman so I am not here to judge or state anything as fact.  Her decision had a HUGE rippling effect through the adoption community and yes I was one of the very angry ones. This caused adoptions between Russia and the US to slow down, they did NOT stop like the good 'ol reliable (yes I say that sarcastically) US news media stated.  Some Russian regions did however slow down in providing referrals until it was determined between the two countries what agreement they could come to to ensure this situation did not happen again.

One statement made about this returned child was that the adoptive mother said that Russia "lied to her" and did not reveal all of the child's medical history.  I can sit here and personally and honestly state that is a very real possibility because it happened to me.  But I am NOT saying anything is right or wrong about the story and what actions were taken. Personally I do feel there was a better solution to the mother's situation than to put him on a plane back to Russia.

So as the countries were in discussions, the adoption community flooded the representatives of the US Department of State (which handles the foreign adoption agreements) with concerns, pleas and petitions to allow the adoptions to continue. I personally also added in my email that the US request Russia to provide ALL the medical information on the child to the prospective adoptive parents. This will help eleviate the Tenneessee woman's situation from happening again where a parent(s) brings home a child with a condition unknown that they are not capable of handling.  There are numerous people out there, many of which I have chatted with on the adoption message boards, that request special needs children.  They are those types of angels, disguised as parents, that are capable and willing to provide the love, support and meet the additional requirements that a special needs child has.  People that request a child "as healthy as possible" are not being selfish, they simply know what they can emotionally, physically and financially handle and should still be commended for opening their hearts and homes to a "left sided angel." 

So we were told that the US and Russia should have an agreement signed by mid-June.  Then we will be told what other requirements and/or paperwork we will need to continue with the adoptions.  Throughout this time however, there were still referrals being given,, court dates completed and children being brought home to their "forever families." So I wait with hope that my next referral will come soon and will be the child that is meant for me. I was hoping to have this all completed by this August because that is when my paperwork expires. I will then have to resubmit it which will cost more money.  Money, money, money.....too bad everything typically comes down to money and how much I don't have :)  But I must stay positive and not be selfish because many parents have waited years so I need to be patient.  Prayers are welcome!
~Amy

Referral Number 2

This event occured on March 30th.
After declining referral number 1, signing the formal papers, we had the afternoon to do what we wanted. Our translator, Natasha #1, took us to some shops to buy souvenirs and told us some history of the buildings we passed.  It was very interesting to me to hear about an area that used to be German heritage, then after World War II became Russian heritage, to hear all that the people went through during those times and to hear about what was destroyed during the war and rebuilt.  It just brought home how incredibly fortunate we are in the USA and how we shouldn't take our country for granted.

We saw a shop that had an incredible amount of items made out of amber.  Amber is a natural resource and the largest mining of it is in the Kaliningrad region. We thought the prices were very reasonable and Beth bought a few things for her family. I bought a set of nesting dolls that had Grandfather Frost on them as well as a Grandfather Frost Christmas ornament.  In my past travels, I started a collection of Christmas ornaments, one from every country I visit.  I was lucky enough that Beth spotted the ornament and it was only $6!  Grandfather Frost is a Russian traditional figure during their Christmas season.  He acts like a Santa Claus, distributing presents, and has a granddaughter that assist him. I will be getting a book on him to instill this tradition in my child, it appears to be a wonderful story.

The next day, March 31st, we go back to the Dept of Education to see the information on the second referrral they found for me to see.  We got the basic background and medical information, again it seemed acceptable, and I agreed to go visit the second little girl.  Ironically, I remember seeing this girl when we were at the orphanage the day before. This girl was 32 mo. old, her birthmother drank alcohol while pregnant, but they told me that the child's therapy was progressing quickly and there were no effects from the drinking.  I was hesitant but off we went to the same orphanage to see this other little girl. We again met with the Director and Doctor who told us that she was a little behind developmentally but was progressing quickly in her therapy, she was their "little angel", had a sweet disposition.  I asked more questions about her medicals but they kept insisting that I should see her first and could then ask more questions later. That rang a warning bell in my mind.

She came into the room and after about 5 minutes, was interacting with me wonderfully. I was so excited because this was the exact opposite of what happened with the first little girl.  We played while I got her to do all the activities/motions that were on the developmental milestones list the US doctor emailed to me that morning. My excitement grew! She was smiling at me, let me hold her and at one point when we were kicking a ball back and forth, she kicked the ball, followed it running toward me and jumped into my arms. Yes I melted and thought, "this is the child I am meant to have." As we left, the Director and Doctor were gone for the day so I could not ask any more questions, but I was flying high with happiness it did not matter.

The next day we returned to the orphanage with the independent doctor I had hired from Moscow.  This is something that most everyone does and in retrospect, I now tell people it's something you absolutely MUST do, is to hire a doctor not associated with the orphanage to do a medical evaluation of the child.  "My doctor" spoke with the orphanage doctor for a bit, in Russian, then asked for the little girl to be brought in. Beth and I were both looking at the doctor when she was brought in and the second she saw the girl, we knew by the look on her face that something was wrong.  She looked at the girl for no more than one minute, turned to me and told me that she has severe classic fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS) and that I did not want this child. I was crushed, especially after having such a good experience with her the day before.  I at that moment I felt a light go out in me, I had lost hope right then.  My doctor then questioned the orphanage doctor and caregiver for a while and then we left.  I asked my doctor what was said and she told me that the doctor did not disclose the child had FAS and just kept pointing out her good qualities. My doctor told the orphanage doctor that it is her obligation to be objective and tell prospective parents everything about the child. She was not happy and told me that unfortunately this was common.  I asked what situations would I be up against with a child who has FAS.  She told me: behavorial outbursts that will not recede; cognitive and learning difficulties; continual physical and speech therapy; more than likely the child will not be able to live independently as an adult.  As a single parent with the finances and resources I have, I could not accept this child either and the tears flowed again.

My doctor called Natasha #2 to tell her that I could not accept this child.  Back at the hotel, the doctor reviewed the medical conditions again, trying to comfort me in saying that it would be a difficult life for both of us and provided words of comfort and sympathy for my situation.  Natasha #2 contacted the Dept of Education to see if any other children were available to see, but the only other child had even more medical issues than the first two I had already seen. So my journey for now was over.  It was more emotional, frustrating and discouraging than I thought it would be, but as the people on the adoption message boards are constantly saying, "adoption is not for the faint of heart."
~Amy

Precious Ducklings

This event occured on March 29th, 2010 during my first visit to the orphanage.
In telling my adoption story to someone today (May 25th) it reminded me of an event that I still think about often and is the reason for the change in my role in adoption.

As I struggled to connect with the little 22 mo. girl (my first referral), the orphanage workers decided to take us to the playroom to show me how she interacts with the other children.  They thought this might calm her down and I could observe her social skills with the other children.  We followed them through the large entry room through the children's bedroom area.  The drapes were drawn, with a little streak of light slipping through the thin material onto four rows of tiny cribs, lined up end to end, three cribs long. It was surreal, seeing those cribs like that, something I had imagined come to life.  They were precious yet looked forlorn at the same time. We passed through a small half kitchen area and walked up to a half height door, the kind where the door is split in half, the bottom closed acting like a gate while the top was swung open.  As we walked up to this "gate" we could see about a dozen children there, ranging from around 18 mo. to 36 mo. old.

The minute they saw Beth and I, they all swarmed toward the gate, their cherub faces uplifted, eyes full of question and longing, covering the sadness.  The sharp intake of breath at the emotion this scene caused, is still with me today, two months later.  They were smiling, some babbling in Russian, telling us things we couldn't understand, all seemed to be vying to gain our undivided attention.  My eyes roamed over them, taking in every detail, fighting the urge to gather them all up into my arms at that very moment.  Oddly, I felt a bit of guilt for watching them, instead of my little referral girl, like I was betraying her somehow.  The constantly shifting path your emotions are forced on during this process amazed me and still does.

My little girl would not leave the caregivers arms and just watched us from a distance.  I was also concerned if I gave a child too much attention, looked at one too long, smiled at one too long, that is might confuse them and I didn't want them to think I was there for them when I wasn't.....but truly wanted to be.  Each child was beautiful in their own way, some showing physical challenges they will face the rest of their lives, as well as carrying whatever emotional challenges as well.  Their lives are just beginning, already struggling, but demonstrating hope for a better future filled with security, acceptance and love.  They are like the left sided angel; marred, incomplete but graceful and reaching toward God.

We waved as we left, telling them "goodbye" in Russian (one of the few Russian words I know), smiling and moving slowly as we didn't want to leave them.  They were pressed against the gate, faces upturned like little ducklings, telling us goodbye in those sweet soft child voices.  We took a few steps and the translator called out to us to stop and look back.  That was my undoing.  Several children were on their tiptoes, their little round chins just barely sitting on the top of the gate and with their chubby little hands, were blowing us kisses goodbye.  Our hearts broke and even though it was two months ago, tears are running down my cheeks as I type this, remembering.  I had to fight the strong urge to run back to the gate and gather them up in my arms for the biggest hug I could offer, but the orphange worker urged us to move on.  Beth and I both had tears in our eyes as we left those angels behind.  This moment changed my life.  I started out wanting one thing, a child of my own. But after my experience that day, I am working on ways to become involved in the adoption community. I am formulating a plan to start a business that will raise funds to: provide orphanages with supplies, food, clothing and developmental toys; organize mission types of trips to the orphanages; create financial aid tools for pre-adoptive parents; facilitate tools to educate the public, schools and families on the adoption process and challenges people face.  I want to be involved and do what I can to make a positive difference in the lives of the children in the orphanages that have yet to find their forever families.
I pray to God every day for the money to come in whatever manner to allow me to complete my adoption and start my company that I feel so compelled to do.  I pray I have the tools, intelligence, energy, support and that the finances will come to help make the angels whole again.
~Amy